Thursday, July 25, 2013

Are you there Infertile?

Hello?  Infertile?  It's me, Ashley... also known as Infertile Myrtle.  It's been a while.  Life for the last two and a half years has been... Interesting (amazing).

In August 2011, just days after our twins' first birthday, we packed up a huge moving truck and moved to California.  Ahhhh.  Beautiful palm trees and sun.  Just what the doctor prescribed.  I thought to myself, "self, living in paradise will be good for you."  And you know what?  It was PERFECT!

October 7, 2011, just shy of two months in California, I got sick.  I thought I had the flu.  I was exhausted.  I spent the day at Disneyland wanting to throw up the entire time.  Well, that little flu bug turned out to be the best sickness ever.  We call him The California Miracle, also known as Elliot.

The California Miracle came kicking and screaming into our lives on May 22, 2012.  We did it.  We created a little human all by ourselves.  I still to this day have no idea how it happened.  Aren't we broken?  And yet he's here.  And he's perfect.  And we just adore him.

Scarlet is about to turn 3 in just a couple of weeks.  These milestones are so bittersweet for me.  First comes the conception date, then the pregnancy test, then the twin ultrasound, then devastation.  Even three years later, it is still so hard for me to hit these milestones.  It is however, getting easier to bare.  In my moments of grief, I take a breath.  Sometimes that's just what keeps me alive.  Breath by breath I live.  I miss my Kingston.  But there is something so amazing about my life.  Scarlet and Elliot, and the knowledge that I will be with Kingston again.  I am SO blessed.

For some infertiles, they will never be able to experience even a tiny bit of what I have been given.  I truly do believe and KNOW that I am blessed.

And if you are interested, I'm an infertile again.  Only this time, I'm okay with it.  For now anyway.  I have two miracles that I get to spend my days with and I could not be happier.

Pure bliss.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I'm Back!

Hi, my name is Infertile Myrtle and I'm an infertile-aholic.

Hello world! I bet you missed me didn't you? Well, good news. Infertile Myrtle is BACK! Granted I am not going to do in vitro again this month or anything, but I'm here anyway in all of my infertile glory. Hello world!

This last year has been interesting to say the least. Getting pregnant was a-maz-ing! Life was absolutely fantastic. At 20 weeks gestation, we found out our son had a condition that was "incompatible with life." Hmmm.... How do you handle that diagnosis? Well, lots of tears and prayers.

On August 11, 2010, I gave birth to Kingston, 2 pounds 2 ounces, and Scarlet 3 pounds 12 ounces. Kingston lived for 73 minutes and then passed away while I held him in my arms. What an experience. Never did I think that not only would I have to deal with infertility, but also the very significant loss of my first born child. Ouch.

Immediately after birth, I was ready to do it all over again. I wanted more kids right away. Now five months later, it still really hasn't changed at all. I would love more kids. For now, I know that just isn't in the cards for us. Scarlet may be an only child, but we hope she will soon have siblings. Our plan? No birth control ever again. Fantastic! I hated that stuff anyway. Do I think I'll get pregnant on my own? No. Do I hope I do? Of course.

When I think about having to do in vitro again in the future, I just get frustrated and angry. I'm grateful we have the technology to do it, but at the same time, it is horribly expensive and physically exhausting. I just wish I could be normal. Haha! What is normal anyway?

For now, I will just have wishes and lots of love for my only living child (not saying I don't love Kingston, because I adore him). Let's see how long wishes can sustain me. I wish.....

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's over, O-V-E-R!

Oh happy days! I can't even believe we have made it this far. It's been a long and rough journey, but we made it. My shots have come to an end, praise the Lord! My bum can now be mine again and no longer a sacrifice to the syringe. I just think about being done and it makes me want to cry.

This brings me to the point that I am now no longer blogging about in vitro and our infertility journey. My life is now just my life and this blog has served its purpose. Thank you, Infertile Myrtle, for providing such an amazing support system through my trying times. You have been more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Don't forget to visit us over at our regular family blog.

(For some reason I'm tearing up right now. Probably pregnancy hormones. Maybe a realization of the blessings in my life? Either way, I am filled with gratitude at this moment and I am so thankful for the doctors, nurses, family, friends, and anybody else who has supported us through this extremely difficult situation. We are so blessed.)

Final needle count: 96 (Can you believe that? 96 needles in less than 3 months time!)
Acupuncture: 147

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Last week of shots!

Okay, I know you are so sick of hearing about shots and how many are left, but I am really excited about this. I can't even tell you how nice it's going to be not to have to have a shot every day! It has definitely been well worth it, but here are a few items I will enjoy:
  • Hopefully getting sensation back in parts of my butt, hips, and legs. They are numb, but it feels like it's asleep and sore. It's a weird feeling that I don't love.
  • No more bleeders! I'm so sick of laying on my stomach for 10 minutes and trying to hold a piece of tissue on my injection site to make sure there is no more blood.
  • I will no longer have "braille bum." This is the condition you get when you have a shot everyday and each new shot creates a braille bump on your skin. I'm pretty sure my messages have read: "No more shots!", "This side is done, move to the other side." and so forth.
  • I can finally turn off the alarm on my phone that reminds me to have a shot, and reminds Ryan that he has to stop working out to come give me the shot. What's life going to be like when we don't have this interruption anymore?

Anyway, those are just a few things I'm excited for this week. FOUR MORE SHOTS! That's it!

Needle count: 92
Acupuncture: 138

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

9 days and counting!

I only have 9 evil progesterone shots left and I will be freed from their evil ways! I can't even wait until its over. We finally called the doctor's office yesterday and asked if we could move up my shot time from 7 to 5. I can't believe we didn't do that sooner. Now Ryan can give me all my shots and I don't have to run around Utah Valley looking for somebody to do it for me. Honestly, this can't be over soon enough. But just think, no more shots in bathrooms, in the parking lot, friends houses, relatives houses, all the awkward places I've had to have my shots.... NO MORE! Yeah! Let the countdown begin!

Needle count: 87
Acupuncture: 138

Monday, February 15, 2010

Infertile Myrtle's journey

I feel I have left out a lot of my life on this blog. You have only seen the in vitro portion of our lives. What was it like before that? Well, this is what it was like.

Ryan and I started trying to conceive in 2007. I was so ready to be a mother. My heart yearned to hold my baby in my arms. I can honestly say there was nothing I wanted more than to be a mother. We started trying and nothing was happening. My cycles were long (which when you're trying is awful). I would take a pregnancy test every month and cry every month when it was negative. Finally in December 2007, I went to my OB/GYN and expressed my concerns. He immediately put me on Clomid. I did that for 2 months with no side effects and somewhat shorter cycles, but unfortunately it didn't work.

I went back to the doctor and he added metformin (Glucophage) to my regimen. The metformin made me horribly sick. I remember working in the hospital and having to run to the bathroom because I was so sick from the meds. I did this for 3 months hoping it would bring me my wish. It did not.

In July 2008, we decided it was time for a reproductive endocrinologist, someone who specializes in fertility/infertility. He did some blood tests on me (FSH, LH, blood glucose), all of which were normal. He also ordered a hysterosalpingogram to make sure my fallopian tubes were free of debris. I was in fact, free of debris. He kept me on Clomid but upped to dose to 100 mg (2 tablets daily). When that didn't shorten my cycle, he upped the dose again to 150 mg. Yikes! My vision was blurry, my brain felt funny, and I had headaches from hell. It just was not ideal at all. I think I did this for about 2 or 3 months/cycles. Since it wasn't working I begged him to put me on another medication. He did. I started taking Femara. This med actually made me have a 28-day cycle and I knew I ovulated on it. I went in for an ultrasound around ovulation and sure enough, I had plenty of beautiful follicles ready to break free from my ovaries. We opted to do an hCG trigger shot at this point to release the eggs and time our love accordingly. Unfortunately this didn't work.

The next month, December 2008, we decided it was time for a more aggressive approach. This time we did Femara and IUI, or intrauterine insemination. It's where they put a little catheter through your cervix and injected your husband's specially prepared man juice straight into your uterus. We had hopes that our problem could have just been a cervix that wasn't allowing the sperm to get through. This obviously didn't work and was actually very devastating. It completely broke my heart and my spirit. I don't think I left the house for days. I felt like we were trying so hard and getting no results. It was exhausting. After this, my emotions just couldn't handle fertility treatments for a while. I needed a break. I think Ryan probably needed it too. We decided it was time for a little love named Bella to be a part of our lives. Bella definitely has brightened our lives. We love our little baby dog, even though she's not a baby anymore.

We kind of kept things on hold for a while, a long while actually. Ryan went to Ecuador for a month and during that time I went to the doctor to see if they would do a laparoscopy on me. They didn't want to do it for some reason and they just put me back on Clomid. Bad idea. I left the doctor's office in tears and complete hysterics and no way to call my husband since he was in a different country and I had no phone number to reach him. I believe he must have been inspired by the spirit to contact me because he called me that afternoon and I just bawled and he just listened. My heart still hurt. I felt defeated once again. I did the Clomid for 1 more round and immediately gave up. We started to fill out the papers for adoption, but it just never felt right. This is when we decided to go to the University of Utah. From our very first visit they were ready to find out what was wrong. It was reassuring, but still frustrating. My cycles by this point were 60+ days. They ended up putting me on Provera to induce my period so we could start fresh with my cycles. For Ryan, came the test with the hamster eggs. This is where the blog picks up. And now look at where we are.

I feel we have gone through much heartache and frustration and now we have been blessed in multiple ways. We are so thrilled beyond belief to be expecting our children later this year. We know God works in mysterious ways and in ways I will never understand. Never once did I feel in vitro wasn't what we were supposed to be doing. When we started to fill out our paperwork for adoption earlier in 2009, it never felt like we were in the right place doing the right thing. When we decided to do in vitro, I felt blessed with peace and comfort. I knew it was what we were supposed to do.

Thank you so much for sharing in our journey. Your love and support has meant so much to Ryan and myself.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In Cold Stone Creamery

Okay, this one was bad. We went out to dinner to celebrate the NCLEX with our friends Jacob and Amber last night. After dinner, Ryan wanted something sweet, so we made our way to Cold Stone. Of course, it came time for my shot. Thank goodness they have a family restroom, I think. It was totally embarrassing walking in the tiny bathroom together as the other patrons probably looked on in horror. Ryan gave me my shot, which hurt this time. I quickly made him leave the bathroom so at least we didn't walk out at the same time. Awkward! After the shot, we walked around the mall for a little bit and then went home. On the way home my butt starting to BURN and hurt really bad. I was really uncomfortable the entire way home. As soon as we got home I went to get in the bathtub to see if I could soothe my aching bum. Blood everywhere! That stupid little shot had been bleeding probably the entire way home for some reason, and I mean BLEEDING. I have never seen so much blood from 1 stupid little shot, okay 1 evil progesterone shot. No wonder why I was in pain. I lost half my blood supply though a tiny little hole! Please, March 3rd, can you be here already? I'm so done with these shots. Please?

Needle Count: 75
Acupuncture: 113