It's so real

For those of you who read this blog, I have to tell you, life isn't always sunshine in my world. I'm not about making this blog all rainbows and butterflies. This is real life. It's my life. My emotions are real. I get happy, sad, frustrated, angry, etc. I express those feelings and emotions on this blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. I'm not trying to offend anybody, just journal our journey and release some stress through blogging.

Also, there is a donation button on the sidebar if you ever feel like helping us pay our medical bills. No pressure, but we surely appreciate any help we can get.

What would it be like?

Lately I have been wondering what it would be like to just get pregnant the first month we started trying. I know this is impossible for us, but I would love to know what it's like. What it's like not to have to have a million tests, lots of people looking at me down there, lots of discomfort, lots of medication side effects. What's it like? I see the people at church who have been married for a year and are expecting their first or have a little one already. Seriously? I have been trying to get pregnant probably longer than you've known each other. It's times like this that I get very down about my situation. It will wear off soon. It always does. Sorry, just had to vent. It always seems a little harder when it's around the holidays. I have no child to get excited for Santa with, no child to share my traditions with, but hopefully soon it will happen. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Whatever you say

Today was an interesting day. I finally got to call our in vitro nurse and tell them to get our schedule all ready to go. She called me back an hour later and told me that our in vitro would end up in the last 2 weeks of December which is when they don't do egg retrievals. Of course we would end up in the last 2 weeks. The only 2 weeks of the year when we can't do it. Our options were to wait until next cycle (this last cycle was over 60 days) or just take 5 straight weeks of birth control. I opted for the birth control. This should now put us into the first couple of weeks in January. Now if my body will just do what it's supposed to, everything will be great. I get to attend an injection class on the 19th of this month to learn how to give myself shots. Of course they only offer those classes on Thursdays, the only day Ryan can't go with me. I'm going to have to bribe somebody else to go with me, even if it's just for moral support. I've already given my brother a guilt trip as to why he needs to come with me. That's a lot to ask of a single guy. Especially when he would have to take off work to go with me. What a good sport.

We got approved for our loan. The loan company will cover most of the procedure, but not quite all of it unfortunately. This means I'll have to find some extra money somewhere. Plus, the loan won't pay for meds, which are about $1800 at the cheapest so I've got to find that money too. Has anybody figured out how to grow money yet? Just curious.

More blood work

I made my journey to my usual hospital of choice today, or hospital of my insurance's choice, Timpanogos Regional Hospital. The girl registering me today did not smile once at me. Come on woman! Life is really not that bad. At least you have a job. I wanted to smack her just a little bit. She totally brought me down a notch. She then made me wait in the waiting room. Did you know there is "well waiting" and "sick waiting"? That's right, they totally had the waiting room divided into 2 sections. I chose the "well waiting" area even though I've had a cold. I didn't want to sit in some H1N1 contaminated seat. Not gonna do it.

I liked the lady who drew my blood today. She was very fast and accurate. It's always nice to have somebody draw your blood who knows what they are doing. She attempted to put the sticky tape on my arm (which with my hairy arms is an awful idea), but I quickly told her no sticky stuff. I like the colored stuff that doesn't stick. Whoever invented that was a GENIUS! Hello! I wish they would have had that when I was a kid instead of band-aids. I still hate pulling those off. I used to sit in the tub just to make them less sticky so it wouldn't hurt as bad to pull it off. Yes, kind of wussy.

I broke down today. It was the first time I have cried in a while. I'm not sure why either. I've been on "happy pills" to control my anxiety and have pretty much been emotionally void for the last month. My visiting teachers came over and I asked them to keep us in their thoughts and prayers while we go through this. They said a prayer before they left and it just touched me so deep. The spirit was definitely with us and I'm so grateful for those ladies. What a wonderful feeling it was to have them in my home and know they truly care about me. Thank you ladies! You know who you are!

Thank you to all of you too. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support and love through this ordeal. I receive multiple phone calls a day from loved ones asking how we are and what's next. I've got friends trying to figure out how to plant a tree that grows money. Thank you, you guys! You are the best. I honestly cannot tell you how much I love you all and appreciate you. xoxo -- Ashley

The doctor said.....

Our chances of conceiving naturally are practically nonexistent. He said where we have been trying for so long and we have tried so many different meds and procedures, that the penetration problem is probably our problem. Finally, an answer. However, our only option now is in vitro, which is quite costly. They put me on Provera which I will take for 10 days, then I start birth control (yes, it sounds weird, but it gives them total control of my ovaries). After birth control comes the shots. Oh boy! The shots! If all goes as planned, we should transfer embryos just before Christmas. Merry Christmas!

I still need to get some blood work completed (always more blood work), and stay positive. Good luck to us! I'm praying everyday that God will bless us with a little one to share our lives with.

The results are in....

Out of 15 eggs, none (0%) were penetrated. Morphology was all completely normal and everything else was perfect. Could this have been our problem the entire time? Possibly. We still have yet to talk to the doctor on the 19th. Oh how I am excited to talk to him. The thought that we could finally have an answer is exciting. Ryan, on the other hand, is in complete shock. May God bless him through this. I keep telling him that God would not give us this trial if he didn't think we could handle it. Everyday that goes by and I see how our relationship is growing and growing stronger, I know this is true. I'm sending love to that man I love and will always love. He's my everything. Muah, Babycakes!

The Human and the Hamster

Yesterday was Ryan's big day with the hamster egg. I often told people he had to have sex with a hamster, but that was a far stretch from the truth. They just put Ryan's little swimmers with a specially prepared hamster egg to see if the sperm could penetrate the outer layer of the egg as they should do with a normal human egg. I joked around with co-workers that I would be bringing home a half human/half hamster for their kid's show-and-tell. Twisted and wrong, I know, but it's a way to deal with the issue of infertility. We have to find some way to laugh at ourselves, right? Well, we won't know the results until October 19, which is when we go in for our in vitro consultation with Dr. Keye. I'm actually pretty excited to be moving forward. I'm still scared to death as to how we will be able to afford treatment, but I'm hopeful we will finally find our family that we have been searching for, for what feels like forever.