Infertile Myrtle

I'm Back!

2011-01-19T20:41:00.001-08:00

Hi, my name is Infertile Myrtle and I'm an infertile-aholic.

Hello world! I bet you missed me didn't you? Well, good news. Infertile Myrtle is BACK! Granted I am not going to do in vitro again this month or anything, but I'm here anyway in all of my infertile glory. Hello world!

This last year has been interesting to say the least. Getting pregnant was a-maz-ing! Life was absolutely fantastic. At 20 weeks gestation, we found out our son had a condition that was "incompatible with life." Hmmm.... How do you handle that diagnosis? Well, lots of tears and prayers.

On August 11, 2010, I gave birth to Kingston, 2 pounds 2 ounces, and Scarlet 3 pounds 12 ounces. Kingston lived for 73 minutes and then passed away while I held him in my arms. What an experience. Never did I think that not only would I have to deal with infertility, but also the very significant loss of my first born child. Ouch.

Immediately after birth, I was ready to do it all over again. I wanted more kids right away. Now five months later, it still really hasn't changed at all. I would love more kids. For now, I know that just isn't in the cards for us. Scarlet may be an only child, but we hope she will soon have siblings. Our plan? No birth control ever again. Fantastic! I hated that stuff anyway. Do I think I'll get pregnant on my own? No. Do I hope I do? Of course.

When I think about having to do in vitro again in the future, I just get frustrated and angry. I'm grateful we have the technology to do it, but at the same time, it is horribly expensive and physically exhausting. I just wish I could be normal. Haha! What is normal anyway?

For now, I will just have wishes and lots of love for my only living child (not saying I don't love Kingston, because I adore him). Let's see how long wishes can sustain me. I wish.....

It's over, O-V-E-R!

2010-03-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

Oh happy days! I can't even believe we have made it this far. It's been a long and rough journey, but we made it. My shots have come to an end, praise the Lord! My bum can now be mine again and no longer a sacrifice to the syringe. I just think about being done and it makes me want to cry.

This brings me to the point that I am now no longer blogging about in vitro and our infertility journey. My life is now just my life and this blog has served its purpose. Thank you, Infertile Myrtle, for providing such an amazing support system through my trying times. You have been more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Don't forget to visit us over at our regular family blog.

(For some reason I'm tearing up right now. Probably pregnancy hormones. Maybe a realization of the blessings in my life? Either way, I am filled with gratitude at this moment and I am so thankful for the doctors, nurses, family, friends, and anybody else who has supported us through this extremely difficult situation. We are so blessed.)

Final needle count: 96 (Can you believe that? 96 needles in less than 3 months time!)
Acupuncture: 147

Last week of shots!

2010-02-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know you are so sick of hearing about shots and how many are left, but I am really excited about this. I can't even tell you how nice it's going to be not to have to have a shot every day! It has definitely been well worth it, but here are a few items I will enjoy:

Hopefully getting sensation back in parts of my butt, hips, and legs. They are numb, but it feels like it's asleep and sore. It's a weird feeling that I don't love.
No more bleeders! I'm so sick of laying on my stomach for 10 minutes and trying to hold a piece of tissue on my injection site to make sure there is no more blood.
I will no longer have "braille bum." This is the condition you get when you have a shot everyday and each new shot creates a braille bump on your skin. I'm pretty sure my messages have read: "No more shots!", "This side is done, move to the other side." and so forth.
I can finally turn off the alarm on my phone that reminds me to have a shot, and reminds Ryan that he has to stop working out to come give me the shot. What's life going to be like when we don't have this interruption anymore?

Anyway, those are just a few things I'm excited for this week. FOUR MORE SHOTS! That's it!

Needle count: 92
Acupuncture: 138

9 days and counting!

2010-02-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

I only have 9 evil progesterone shots left and I will be freed from their evil ways! I can't even wait until its over. We finally called the doctor's office yesterday and asked if we could move up my shot time from 7 to 5. I can't believe we didn't do that sooner. Now Ryan can give me all my shots and I don't have to run around Utah Valley looking for somebody to do it for me. Honestly, this can't be over soon enough. But just think, no more shots in bathrooms, in the parking lot, friends houses, relatives houses, all the awkward places I've had to have my shots.... NO MORE! Yeah! Let the countdown begin!

Needle count: 87
Acupuncture: 138

Infertile Myrtle's journey

2010-02-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

I feel I have left out a lot of my life on this blog. You have only seen the in vitro portion of our lives. What was it like before that? Well, this is what it was like.

Ryan and I started trying to conceive in 2007. I was so ready to be a mother. My heart yearned to hold my baby in my arms. I can honestly say there was nothing I wanted more than to be a mother. We started trying and nothing was happening. My cycles were long (which when you're trying is awful). I would take a pregnancy test every month and cry every month when it was negative. Finally in December 2007, I went to my OB/GYN and expressed my concerns. He immediately put me on Clomid. I did that for 2 months with no side effects and somewhat shorter cycles, but unfortunately it didn't work.

I went back to the doctor and he added metformin (Glucophage) to my regimen. The metformin made me horribly sick. I remember working in the hospital and having to run to the bathroom because I was so sick from the meds. I did this for 3 months hoping it would bring me my wish. It did not.

In July 2008, we decided it was time for a reproductive endocrinologist, someone who specializes in fertility/infertility. He did some blood tests on me (FSH, LH, blood glucose), all of which were normal. He also ordered a hysterosalpingogram to make sure my fallopian tubes were free of debris. I was in fact, free of debris. He kept me on Clomid but upped to dose to 100 mg (2 tablets daily). When that didn't shorten my cycle, he upped the dose again to 150 mg. Yikes! My vision was blurry, my brain felt funny, and I had headaches from hell. It just was not ideal at all. I think I did this for about 2 or 3 months/cycles. Since it wasn't working I begged him to put me on another medication. He did. I started taking Femara. This med actually made me have a 28-day cycle and I knew I ovulated on it. I went in for an ultrasound around ovulation and sure enough, I had plenty of beautiful follicles ready to break free from my ovaries. We opted to do an hCG trigger shot at this point to release the eggs and time our love accordingly. Unfortunately this didn't work.

The next month, December 2008, we decided it was time for a more aggressive approach. This time we did Femara and IUI, or intrauterine insemination. It's where they put a little catheter through your cervix and injected your husband's specially prepared man juice straight into your uterus. We had hopes that our problem could have just been a cervix that wasn't allowing the sperm to get through. This obviously didn't work and was actually very devastating. It completely broke my heart and my spirit. I don't think I left the house for days. I felt like we were trying so hard and getting no results. It was exhausting. After this, my emotions just couldn't handle fertility treatments for a while. I needed a break. I think Ryan probably needed it too. We decided it was time for a little love named Bella to be a part of our lives. Bella definitely has brightened our lives. We love our little baby dog, even though she's not a baby anymore.

We kind of kept things on hold for a while, a long while actually. Ryan went to Ecuador for a month and during that time I went to the doctor to see if they would do a laparoscopy on me. They didn't want to do it for some reason and they just put me back on Clomid. Bad idea. I left the doctor's office in tears and complete hysterics and no way to call my husband since he was in a different country and I had no phone number to reach him. I believe he must have been inspired by the spirit to contact me because he called me that afternoon and I just bawled and he just listened. My heart still hurt. I felt defeated once again. I did the Clomid for 1 more round and immediately gave up. We started to fill out the papers for adoption, but it just never felt right. This is when we decided to go to the University of Utah. From our very first visit they were ready to find out what was wrong. It was reassuring, but still frustrating. My cycles by this point were 60+ days. They ended up putting me on Provera to induce my period so we could start fresh with my cycles. For Ryan, came the test with the hamster eggs. This is where the blog picks up. And now look at where we are.

I feel we have gone through much heartache and frustration and now we have been blessed in multiple ways. We are so thrilled beyond belief to be expecting our children later this year. We know God works in mysterious ways and in ways I will never understand. Never once did I feel in vitro wasn't what we were supposed to be doing. When we started to fill out our paperwork for adoption earlier in 2009, it never felt like we were in the right place doing the right thing. When we decided to do in vitro, I felt blessed with peace and comfort. I knew it was what we were supposed to do.

Thank you so much for sharing in our journey. Your love and support has meant so much to Ryan and myself.

In Cold Stone Creamery

2010-02-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, this one was bad. We went out to dinner to celebrate the NCLEX with our friends Jacob and Amber last night. After dinner, Ryan wanted something sweet, so we made our way to Cold Stone. Of course, it came time for my shot. Thank goodness they have a family restroom, I think. It was totally embarrassing walking in the tiny bathroom together as the other patrons probably looked on in horror. Ryan gave me my shot, which hurt this time. I quickly made him leave the bathroom so at least we didn't walk out at the same time. Awkward! After the shot, we walked around the mall for a little bit and then went home. On the way home my butt starting to BURN and hurt really bad. I was really uncomfortable the entire way home. As soon as we got home I went to get in the bathtub to see if I could soothe my aching bum. Blood everywhere! That stupid little shot had been bleeding probably the entire way home for some reason, and I mean BLEEDING. I have never seen so much blood from 1 stupid little shot, okay 1 evil progesterone shot. No wonder why I was in pain. I lost half my blood supply though a tiny little hole! Please, March 3rd, can you be here already? I'm so done with these shots. Please?

Needle Count: 75
Acupuncture: 113

Beating hearts baby.....

2010-02-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

The doctor says, "There's one........................and there's two!" (Sorry the pic is sideways. Blogger won't load it right).

We're having TWINS!!!!

We got to see 2 beating and healthy hearts and hear 2 beating and healthy hearts. I laid on the table with tears of joy streaming down my face. I think I still have a perma-grin. It's so amazing. We honestly feel so blessed.

In the bathroom stall.... again.

2010-02-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been exciting with Ryan working. Since he's not home I have to find others to give me my shots. Friday night I went down to Elk Ridge to have The Mayor do my shot. My niece and nephew stood by the door and watched. I kept hearing my nephew say, "I can't watch it." He was cracking me up. I think he ended up hiding in the stairwell behind the wall so he couldn't see me anymore. I had to convince him that I was okay and I was brave.

Saturday night I ventured up to SLC with the girls. I told them I would only go if one of them would give me my shot. Dari quickly offered up nurse Sara because, well, she is a nurse afterall. We enjoyed dinner at P.F. Chang's and then off to the Gateway we went. We hurried and bought our movie tickets and then we ran to the bathroom so I could have yet again, a shot in the bathroom stall. Sara claimed she was nervous but she did an excellent job. Like I said before, hopefully this is the last time in a bathroom stall.

Thank goodness my nurse will be home with me tonight to give me my shot. I miss him when he works. He's just the best husband in the world. Last night when he got home from work at midnight I just kept whining that I wanted a piece of cheese and a pickle. He quickly went upstairs and got it for me. Cheese and pickles never tasted so good! Honestly, what would I do without him? He's amazing!

Needle count: 71
Acupuncture: 104

VOTE

2010-02-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

We want to hear from you! How many babies are there? We go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday, February 9, to find out. What's your guess? Vote using the poll on the sidebar!

In "the cottage," the car in the BYU parking lot, and in my parents bedroom. Again

2010-02-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend was an eventful one! We celebrated our anniversary on Friday night with a visit to "the cottage" at La Caille. It was so nice to get away and just relax for a minute. Well, the shot had to come too of course. So, there I was at La Caille having my evil progesterone shot.

Saturday we were invited to the BYU game. I was excited to go until I realized I had to have a shot that night. It's never ending. Well, our options were to sneak a syringe into the Marriot Center or do the shot in the car. That's right, in the car it was in the middle of the parking lot. I parked between 2 huge vehicles and laid the seat back for maximum access. Um, awkward! I was just hoping nobody walked by and wondered what in the world was going on in there.

Sunday we had to go get Bella from Elk Ridge, therefore we had to do my shot again in my parent's bedroom. What an exciting weekend!

Now comes the real excitement. Ryan is starting to work nights this week so I now need volunteers for shots 3 times a week while he is gone. Molly, you're at the top of my list. Any other takers? I will need all the help I can get. Just think, I only have to do this for 1 more month. March 3, please come soon!

Needle count: 65
Acupuncture: 95

Yawn!

2010-01-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted. I cannot stay awake for more than 2 hours before I want to go take a nap. Plus, I have been going to bed early, without sleeping pills, and sleeping all night. This is so unusual for me! Any suggestions?

I'm still fat/bloated from the progesterone shots which in turn makes me already look pregnant, which is a little embarrassing. I shouldn't look this pregnant when I'm not really that far along. I'm getting good at hiding my belly with jackets and sweatshirts. Nothing like drug-induced fatness!

Okay, almost nap time.

Needle count: 59
Acupuncture: 95

A day of anticipation

2010-01-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, it has finally come. Today was our big day. I couldn't sleep all night last night. The alarm went off bright and early and off we went. The trip to SLC was horrendous this morning. The roads were pure ice. It was a very tense morning on top of already being a tense morning. After they drew my blood we went to my brother's house to help him move. I was glad I had something to keep my mind off of just waiting for the phone call with the test results. I kept thinking I just wanted to get home because if it came back negative I would be a mess. We waited and waited all morning. Finally as I was bringing some power strips into Josh's house I could hear Ryan say, "you're kidding." I didn't know who he was talking to but I could hear the excitement in his voice. He turned around and saw me and said, "we're pregnant!" I fell to the floor and started crying. I couldn't believe it! I got up and put my arms around my love and held him. Then I talked briefly with the sweet nurse who was very excited for us as well. My dad walked in and all I could say to him was, "it's positive!" He gave me a huge hug. It was all just a very exciting and unreal moment. We are still in complete shock. The only bad thing is I still have to do these evil shots for 6 more weeks, but I'm sure it's all going to be well worth it.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. It has made this process much easier to deal with. I'm sorry if we couldn't call all of you today to tell you the news in person.

Nothing to update

2010-01-22T08:54:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. There has really been nothing new to report unless you want to hear about how ornery and uncomfortable I have been. I still feel like my buns are on fire as well as my upper thighs. It hurts to wear anything that touches them. Even the softest of fabrics feels like sandpaper on my skin. This is all due to the evil progesterone shots. We find out soon if this worked, so just keep being patient. You will soon know too.

Needle count: 55
Acupunture: 95

In my parent's bedroom

2010-01-18T07:50:00.001-08:00

Yep, you heard it right. We did it in my parents bedroom. Not that, you dirty mind. A shot, of course! The clock rang 7 and we went and locked ourselves in their bedroom for an all around good time of fun shots in the butt. It hurt, but my only motivation to get it over with was the caramel and fruit waiting for me downstairs. Oh, it was divine! What a reward for my shot! I think I could do that everynight.

I feel really bloated at this point. Either something is growing in my uterus or I am eating too much food and getting fat. My belly is definitely starting to feel fat. Hopefully this is a good sign. Still keeping our fingers crossed.

Needle count: 51
Acupuncture: 78

In a bathroom stall

2010-01-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

Last night Ryan and I decided to celebrate his first paycheck by going to our favorite restaurant, Carrabba's. We went with our friends, Dari and Chris, and Devin and Lisa. Josh was there too of course. Well, the clock struck 7 and it was time for shots. My choices are: Go to the parking lot and shoot up in the car or bribe the girls to go to the bathroom with me and give it to me in there. I was a little nervous not having Ryan give me the shot, but then again I'm at the point where it's just like, get it over with. I don't really care who gives it to me as long as it's not me giving it to me. So, off the 3 girls went to the bathroom. We had to wait for the handicapped stall so we could all go in there. I'm sure this was quite the site to the other patrons in the restroom with seeing all 3 of us going into one stall. I can only imagine what was going through their heads. I elected Dari to do the deed. She was a champ. She was so nervous, but she did a great job. It didn't even hurt! There's nothing like having a shot in the bathroom stall though. Hopefully we don't have to do that again. One bathroom stall experience was enough. I kept thinking the manager was going to get complaints from the other people in the restroom about our weird behavior and we were going to get kicked out. Thankfully we did not and dinner was spectacular.

Needle count: 50
Acupuncture: 78

Still shooting up

2010-01-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Well, things are going well around here. I've had a little bit of cramping which was quite scary, but they claim that is a normal thing to happen. I'm now through with bedrest, unless the cramps come back, then straight back to bed I go. It has been a very lazy week. I haven't left the confines of our home to go anywhere since Monday. I'm starting to go crazy! I want to go to the mall or out to dinner or something! I have to bribe people to come visit me because I'm so bored.

I'm still having my daily dose of progesterone in a very evil form of a shot. This is now an intramuscular shot that I can only get in my butt. My butt is all bruised and sore from shots. Last night I was trying to pick something up off the floor and totally whacked my shot site on the bed post. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. It hurt SO BAD! I recommend not doing that. Ever.

p.s. I'm leaving it a surprise as to when we find out if this worked. I'll let you know when it happens. Just be patient. I have to be patient and wait, so so do you.

Needle count: 49
Acupuncture: 69

Embryo Update

2010-01-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

Well, the 3 embryos we were watching overnight failed to perform. They were not of good enough quality to freeze. This means no extra babies to freeze and try again if this round doesn't work. I'm a little freaked out about it. Now I feel a lot of pressure for this round to work. Keep your fingers crossed for us that this round works!

Embryo Transfer

2010-01-11T18:22:00.001-08:00

Today was a very special day for me and Ryan. We got to go once again to SLC this morning. We were way early for our appointment but they took us right back. I dressed in my sheet of shame and the $10K slippers and we waited. Then it came. The picture of my babies. It took everything I had not to cry when I saw the picture. (sorry, picture of a picture) Science is spectacular. They doctor came in, Dr. P-J. Loved her by the way. She was absolutely amazing. I got into every woman's favorite position in the stirrups and then the doctor inserted a catheter through my cervix. It took a couple of tries since my uterus is shaped and tipped funny, but all went well. They put up a live video feed of the embryolgist sucking up the 2 best embryos so we could see it and then he brought them to us. In they went and TAH DAH! It was all over. Just like that. The doctor made me all cozy with like 10 blankets and then let me rest for a while. Ryan said a most beautiful prayer and I cried. It was a heavenly day. Now for bedrest. Today has been nice. Dr. P-J gave me Valium so I have been relaxed and sleepy all day. Ryan has been aboslutely amazing. I have to admit that I have the most amazing husband in the world! He went and got me J. Dawgs for lunch. Oh, it was delicious. (best hot dog joint in Provo!)

Ryan and I feel so blessed with the overwhelming love and support we have received through all of this. We are so grateful for all of you! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Now comes the hard part. Waiting for the pregnancy test. Wait. Wait. Wait.

By the way, out of the 6 embryos we had, 2 were in excellent condition. Those were what they transferred today. We had 1 quit growing and 3 are still growing but not the best quality. They will update us tomorrow as to if they are worth saving or not.

Needle count: 45
Acupuncture: 69

And the results are......

2010-01-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

Out of 7 eggs retrieved, 6 are fertilized and growing in their petri dishes! Can you believe it? I thought we'd maybe get 1 or 2 out of the 7, but 6?!!! The plan as of now is to transfer on Monday. We will hear from the embryologist again on Sunday as to how our babies are growing. Keep your fingers crossed that they stay healthy. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.

A Candid Perspective from a Husband

2010-01-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

When Ashley and I arrived, they quickly escorted us back to a corner room and and began to look for veins on Ashley which is not a simple process. Ashley does not have good veins and I even scanned her arms before the nurse entered the room and told the nurse good luck in finding a vein, but luckily she was able to find one. As Ashley started to receive her IV meds I warned everyone in the room that she can become coocoo for loco puffs (a fruit loop)! Boy, did she not let us down. As soon as she was high on Versed she said a few inappropriate things which I will not mention for the sake of our righteous viewers. They were embarrasing and I expected everyone in the room to laugh but no one reacted and an awkard silence fell upon the room. I put my head down and laughed internally and felt awkard at the same time.........The procedure did not look comfortable with all the sponges used to clean her internally and externally and watching the catheter needle navigate through her ovaries, piercing and sucking, piercing and sucking and did I mention piercing and sucking looked very painful! It did not look fun but Ashley was a champ and held still and calm through it all. The doctor awarded her "all star of the week" status.
After her procedure I was escorted to the "male section" of the building to provide another sample of my essence or should I say love potion. Let me tell you, the magazines they provide you are very dirty and actually discourage their purpose. It makes for quite the experience. (sarcasm included). I'm glad it's over to be honest.......
In closing I just want to tell my wife how much I love her and how proud I am of her for enduring the countless injections, procedures and prescribed periods of non-sexual activity. She truly is a champ and I'm lucky to have such a patient and hard working, supportive wife. If anyone deserves children it is Ashley. I love you Ashley very much!!!!!!!!!!!

The Egg Retrieval

2010-01-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

Did yesterday really happen? I believe I was in a drug-induced coma for the entirety of the day. Here's what happened.

We woke up at 6:15. Well, the alarm went off at 6:15 with good intentions to get up. Finally at about 6:35 we got up. I brushed my teeth and put on some comfy clothes and then we climbed in the car for our long journey to the U of U. We had to be there by 8:00. We arrived about 5 minutes early and they took me straight back. I changed into my awesome hospital gown and what I like to call the $10K slippers (ugly tan slipper socks with the grips on the bottom). The nurse came in and hooked me up to an IV. Then I signed my consent forms and off we went to surgery. Ryan got to sit right by me the entire time which I was very grateful for. They placed me in the most awkward position imaginable and the room filled with people. Nothing like being exposed to the world. This is where heaven began. The drugs. I LOVE conscious sedation. You're awake but remember nothing. It feels like love when they put it in your IV. I remember the doctor cleaning me and then that's about it. I do remember the procedure hurting, but I don't remember exact details of why or what went on. Ryan said I said a few things that embarrassed him. Haha. That's what happens when I'm drugged up. Apparently I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. Next thing I know, I wake up with an oxygen mask on and in an empty room. All I remember is I just wanted to turn off the music. For some reason music was playing in my room and it was driving me insane! I just wanted to relax.

Ryan soon joined me. I was so happy to see him. He told me that they only got 7 eggs, which is a little less than we were expecting, but at least they got 7. We were hoping for 10-12 so we could save some for future use. Not all 7 are going to be useable. Some will not mature, therefore we may end up with 1 or 2 useable eggs out of this 7. It's a one-time shot it looks like. No eggs to save, just 1 time to get it right. STRESSFUL!

They finally let me eat some treats before I left. I was starving! I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for hours at this point. Saltine and graham crackers never tasted so good.

After being at the clinic for more than 2 hours, it was finally time to go home. Out came the IV. I changed into my clothes and told Ryan, "I'm taking the socks. I paid $10,000 for these." So, I came home with the ugly tan slipper socks and I wore them all day.

We made the long treck home, got some Percocet from the drug store and went home. I climbed into bed and was out for some time. I remember waking up feeling quite nauseous and all I wanted were some crackers. All we had were potato chips. That worked. At least I didn't puke everywhere. I just remember feeling really uncomfortable all day. It hurt to stand up. It hurt to sit down. As long as I was holding still, I was fine. Mom brought over some yummy Papa Murphy's pizza and fruit. I ate a lot of it. I was still starving.

Last night was also my first progesterone shot. The actual shot itself wasn't too bad. It was 20 minutes later when the burn started. It was like my back end was on fire. It hurt to touch it. Let's just say sleep last night was nonexistent. My butt hurt from the shot, my stomach hurt from surgery, and my hormones were all over the place so I was HOT and uncomfortable.

As I write this, I feel really gross. It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm attempting to work. I feel like throwing up. I think I'll need to take today off. I don't know what I was thinking coming back to work and attempting to work an 8-hour day.

We should hear from the embryologist tomorrow morning as to how many of our babies are growing well and when we are going to transfer. It will either be Saturday or Monday. This is weird, but I felt sad leaving my "babies" at the doctor's office. I had been taking such good care of them for so long and then BAM! they're all gone and no longer under my control. All I can do is hope and pray that they take care of my babies.

Needle count: 39
Acupuncture: 44

Day 22: Good news

2010-01-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to the doctor today and they told me, "Ashley, you are the star of the week." I also heard such things as "this looks excellent" and "everything looks great!" It was a very positive visit today. My ovaries are huge and I can sure feel it! I'm kind of uncomfortable lately. I also had to have my blood drawn to check my estrogen level to make sure it was high enough to do the retrieval. It was. The good thing about this? NO MORE 3-a-day SHOTS! YEAH! I have 1 shot tonight which is the hCG trigger shot, and then no shots tomorrow! We are scheduled for egg retrieval Wednesday morning. They'll even give me sedation so I don't have to remember it. That means I get to sleep all day! See, something to look forward to everyday this week. It looks like Monday will be the day of transfer, but it could be as early as Saturday as long as my petri dish babies grow well. We're very excited!

Needle count: 37
Acupuncture: 35

Day 20: Day 5 of stimulation

2010-01-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

My new name is Pin Cushion Ashley. All we do around here are shots! I've had 16 just this week alone and the week isn't even over yet. All 4 extremities are now killing me. My strawberries (ovaries) are growing. I can definitely feel it. It's quite uncomfortable. It's a dang good thing the discomfort doesn't last the full 24 hours. I'm still extremely exhausted. New Years Eve consisted of us coming home at 11:00 and me falling right to sleep. Happy 2010! I slept in until 9:30 this morning and it was heaven! Today has been a pretty good day. I only had to take 1 nap instead of 2 or 3 like the rest of the days this week. Yes, I said 2 or 3. I can't even work for longer than 2-3 hours before I need to go rest because my brain is just too tired. I'm physically worn out. This is a good sign right? I'm very excited to see the doctor on Monday and hear what they have to say. Hopefully Monday will be our lucky day.

Happy New Year everybody! This year is going to be spectacular. I can feel it!

Needle count: 30
Acupuncture: 35

Day 18: Ouch!

2009-12-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

These shots are really getting to me this morning. I feel like somebody kicked me in the leg where I got one of the shots last night. If I laid on it during the night it would wake me up because it hurt so bad. The shots are also making me really tired, like I could sleep all day and be okay. I'm trying to work right now but fighting to keep my eyes open. I just wish I could go back to bed. Yawn. I'm also feeling a bit nauseated this morning. My stomach is starting to feel more bloated, but still not too bad. I'm sure it will get worse with each passing day. Well, back to work. Hopefully I can stay focused today.

Needle count: 21
Acupuncture: 35

Day 16: 3-A-Day

2009-12-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day of my 3-a-day shots. I think it took me about 10 minutes just to draw them all up. I got one in each leg and one in my left arm. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I found these alcohol pads at Walgreen's the other day that are magical! They have benzocaine in them so it definitely helps with the sting of the shot and also the itchy rash afterwards. This is a picture of what I get to do every single night for the next 8 days or so. Doesn't it just look like heaven? I go to the doctor on Monday for an ultrasound and blood work to see if my ovaries are ready for their big moment of egg retrieval. Hopefully all goes well. I swear I can already feel my ovaries enlarging by the minute as I sit here and type this.

We also had the privilege of hauling our lunchpack with Lupron in tow to a friend party last night. It's always a fun time to go to a party and sneak into the bathroom with your husband only to walk out and find your friends looking at you and wondering what in the world was going on in the bathroom. Mr. Lupron sure has done his fair share of traveling over the last week. Thank goodness he has survived all of his rides in the lunchpack.

Needle Count: 18

Acupuncture: 26

Q and A

2009-12-28T09:29:00.001-08:00

Q: I don't completely understand the acupunture... are you supposed to do that in conjunction with the shots? Or do you just want to in order to help the odds of things developing faster or just dealing with the pain. Maybe you already answered that, but i couldn't immediately find it and heaven forbid I look for it. Have you had acupuncture 26 times or was that just a couple times totally 26 needles?

A: I have been doing acupuncture for about a year and half. I do it twice a week for various reasons. At my appointments we discuss what has been bothering me whether its sleep related, headaches, digestion, pain, etc. Acupuncture can be used for pretty much whatever you need it to be used for. Sang (acupuncturist) then uses a "pattern" to treat my symptoms. Acupuncture is basically putting needles into channels in your body that are "blocked" and it also puts energy back into your body. It sounds weird, I know. It's actually very interesting. Does it work? I figure Chinese medicine has been around for thousands of years so there has to be something to it.

There is a complete treatment course in acupuncture for fertility. That's originally why I started doing acupuncture. Each visit I have about 4-9 needles placed at least (depending on if we are doing Chinese or Korean acupuncture). I have had up to 80 needles placed in one visit. The needles go about 1/2 inch to 1 inch deep and they stay in for about 20 minutes to an hour. It just depends on how much time I have and how I have been feeling. So, when I say acupuncture: 26, that means I have had 26 acupuncture needles up to this point just during our in vitro process. I believe that was a total of 3 acupuncture visits to reach 26 needles.

Hopefully that answers your question.

Day 15: Two weeks

2009-12-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it has been 2 weeks since we started injections! The time has flown. Christmas was just beautiful this year. We were so blessed and thank everybody around us for all of their love and support. We could not do this without each and every one of you! The holiday was filled with family, which included me daring people to give me my shot. Tina was brave enough to do it when we were with my family. I wish I had a picture of it. It was quite a show. The entire family gathered around while Tina gave me my shot. She did an excellent job. When we were with Ryan's family, it was Kacy's turn to give me the shot. I didn't know if she would dare to do it, but she stepped up to the plate and did amazing! Thanks to 2 very beautiful sister-in-laws who have been extremely good sports through all of this.

Tomorrow we start with 3 shots a day. We start the FSH which will stimulate my eggs to mature. I have been warned my ovaries might feel like they are going to blow up. Yikes. Also, this means we are getting closer and closer to egg retrieval! I cannot believe we are already at this point.

Needle count: 14
Acupuncture: 26

Day 10: Update

2009-12-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

I did it. I gave myself a shot. I'm not going to lie, it was very traumatic. I don't mind the shots, I just don't want to give them to myself. I live with a nurse, why should I give them to myself? He knows way more than I do about giving shots. Anyway, I completed the task successfully after hyperventilating and calling Ryan in complete hysterics. I rewarded myself with Wendy's for dinner. What a pathetic and totally unhealthy reward but it tasted delicious!

Do you have a burning question to ask us? Feel free to ask anything you are wondering about or curious about. I'm open to answer all questions. Just leave a comment and I will make a post will all the questions and answers.

Needle count: 10
Acupuncture: 26

Day 10: Dear Santa

2009-12-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas is:

2 Gonal-F pens (not pictured due to living in the fridge) with accompanying needles

10 vials of Repronex

1 vial of HCG

2 vials of progesterone

31 syringes in varying sizes

31 separate needles in varying sizes

1 sharps container (not pictured)

You just forgot 1 thing: The alcohol wipes.

I cannot believe Mr. FedEx delivered my medications in less than 24 hours after they were ordered. I am amazed! I'm not even going to tell you how much the above pictured amount of medications and syringes cost us. Let's just say, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Needle count: Pending

Acupuncture: Pending

Day9: P.S.

2009-12-21T18:24:00.000-08:00

Guess what? No more birth control!!!! I am loving that I am no longer tied to that stupid little packet of pills. Little white evil pills, I will not miss you. Good bye!

Update:
Needle count: 9
Acupuncture: 17

Day 9: More doctors, nurses, and needles

2009-12-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

Today Ryan and I woke up bright and early, jumped in the car, and headed up to the grand ole SLC for a doctor's appointment. We arrived early, as we always do, and they took us right back. I couldn't believe it! I de-robed myself and covered up with the all too stylish "sheet of shame." Then the doctor came in, did an ultrasound, I saw my tiny strawberries (ovaries), he measured this and that, and then he was done. I threw down the "sheet of shame" and off I went to meet with the nurse. Oh, I did put my clothes back on of course. We sat with the nurse for a while. She explained how to use our new medications, which we start on Monday. We discussed prices and I wanted to die. No injection should ever be $80 for ONE injection and we have to buy a lot of them! Oh well, it's all in the name of love, right? She also told us, "it looks like your ovaries are pretty happy about what's going on." Apparently I had 9 follicles on one side and 15 on the other (that's really good at this point).

After this was all over, Ryan got to go do his thing just in case we need a back up when it comes time to fertilize. Poor guy. There's nothing like doing that in a doctor's office. Woweee! Again, poor guy.

After our appointment we got in a fight with the insurance company and a pharmacy. We quickly ran back into the doctor's office and told them to order our meds through a different pharmacy since our insurance was now refusing to pay for anything even after they had told us a month ago they would pay for some of it. What a pain this is, I'll tell you what. I had a minor freak out in the hallway. What's new? I think I'm always having a minor freak out about something.

Things our good now. I've had my nap so I'm not nearly as ornery or freakish-outy as I was earlier. I'm looking forward to more shots. Haha. Yeah right. Is it wrong that I told Ryan today in my most bratty voice, "you don't get to be ornery with me unless I get to stab you every night with a needle." Is that wrong?

Needle count: 8
Acupuncture: 17

Day 6: Needles, needles, needles

2009-12-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

I'm now getting to the point where if a needle gets close to me, I start to panic just a little. I had acupuncture again yesterday (day 6). It's always nice to just lay back and relax, even if I do have a bunch of needles coming out of my arms and legs. Shots are going great. I'm starting to feel my ovaries aching. I just have to keep thinking that it's going to get worse so enjoy everything now before it gets really hurty.

Needle count: 6
Acupuncture: 17

Day 5: We have a bleeder!

2009-12-18T06:37:00.000-08:00

In went the shot, out came the blood. It was a first, but I'm not not last, experience of puncturing a little vessel and having blood pool on my leg. Oops. Nothing a little pressure can't fix.

Needle count: 5
Acupuncture: 9

Day 4: Traveling Lupron

2009-12-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

We figured out that even when we want to hang out with friends and have dinner, my bottle of Lupron has to tag along. We went to our good friend's house, Jacob and Amber, to have dinner with them last night. Along came a syringe, alcohol wipes, and Lupron. After I had my shot I told Ryan to just put the syringe in my purse (since it has to be placed in the "sharps container" that was at home). I kept thinking how awful it would be if we got pulled over and they found a used syringe in my bag. What a druggy.

My rashes from the injections are getting bigger, redder and itchier with each injection. It's just fun. I've also noticed I can cry at the drop of a hat and I'm turning back into a teenager with acne face. How embarrassing. Ryan also told me that I say things that piss him off. I started to cry but tried to hide it from him. I can't help it. It's the drugs. They mess with my brain. Sorry Ryan.

Needle count: 4
Acupuncture: 9

Day 3: AcuFUNcture

2009-12-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

Today Ryan gave me my shot while I was laughing at him. Probably not such a good idea. It hurt 10 times worse while laughing.

Also, today was filled with lots of needles from acupuncture. Sang (Sang is my friend who does acupuncture) came over, taped my feet and did a simple acupuncture pattern to help regulate my digestion and also to help my headaches. I don't understand Chinese medicine all that much, but man does it work. I can always tell when I'm not doing it because I start to feel like crap.

I did get a tiny rash from my injection today. It was weird because it didn't start itching for a long time. I even asked Ryan if he had given me my shot because I couldn't feel it itch like usual. Then it came at me with a vengence.

Needle count: 3
Acupuncture: 9

Day 2: Dear Lupron

2009-12-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Lupron,

So far, you and I have a great relationship. You haven't given me headaches or hardly any side effects yet. Thanks for that! Just want to let you know that you need to keep it up. I'm taking good care of you. I have hidden you behind the butter in the fridge. I figure if you are there, you will never get too cold and freeze on me. This would be a tragedy for us both.

Let's keep our relationship great, okay?

Loves,

Ashes

Needle count: 2

Day 1: Ready? 3, 2..... WAIT!

2009-12-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

Well, we have officially started the shots today. I don't mind shots, ever, but for some reason I always get really nervous when Ryan gives them to me. Anyway, here's a little how it went:

Ryan: Ready?

Me: (Bearing my belly for the world to see) Yeah. Wait! Not in my tummy. Okay, just do it below the belly button. Wait! Wait! Not in my tummy. (I think I was actually kicking my legs and throwing a little tantrum)

Ryan: (With needle in hand and a most annoyed look on his face like "can't we just do this already?") Really? You're not even going to feel it.

Me: Yeah, I don't want it in my belly (screaming at this point and almost in tears).

I quickly pulled down my pants and wiped my leg with alcohol and told him it would be better in my thigh. 1, 2, 3. It's over. So much for being brave. Maybe tomorrow will be better?

Please stop pounding

2009-12-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

The birth control I am on is starting to give me horrendous headaches. They are just complete evil. Nothing makes them go away. I feel like I need to lay in bed all day covered by 10 blankets and take Lortab and Tylenol just to be somewhat comfortable. Hopefully this passes once I'm not taking these stupid little evil pills. I'm sure there will be a full bag of new symptoms with these other meds, but let's just pray the headaches go away. I can't even focus when I have them. I just want to cry because they don't leave me alone. It's going to be over soon. It's going to be over soon.

On a more exciting note, my Lupron is supposed to be coming today! We'll see if and when it gets delivered. The delivery system around here is so unpredictable. Sometimes the UPS man comes at like 7 or later. I feel bad for that guy. What a long day. I start my Lupron shots on the 13th! It's finally starting to feel like we're really doing this.

It's so real

2009-11-29T17:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you who read this blog, I have to tell you, life isn't always sunshine in my world. I'm not about making this blog all rainbows and butterflies. This is real life. It's my life. My emotions are real. I get happy, sad, frustrated, angry, etc. I express those feelings and emotions on this blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. I'm not trying to offend anybody, just journal our journey and release some stress through blogging.

Also, there is a donation button on the sidebar if you ever feel like helping us pay our medical bills. No pressure, but we surely appreciate any help we can get.

What would it be like?

2009-11-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been wondering what it would be like to just get pregnant the first month we started trying. I know this is impossible for us, but I would love to know what it's like. What it's like not to have to have a million tests, lots of people looking at me down there, lots of discomfort, lots of medication side effects. What's it like? I see the people at church who have been married for a year and are expecting their first or have a little one already. Seriously? I have been trying to get pregnant probably longer than you've known each other. It's times like this that I get very down about my situation. It will wear off soon. It always does. Sorry, just had to vent. It always seems a little harder when it's around the holidays. I have no child to get excited for Santa with, no child to share my traditions with, but hopefully soon it will happen. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Whatever you say

2009-11-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today was an interesting day. I finally got to call our in vitro nurse and tell them to get our schedule all ready to go. She called me back an hour later and told me that our in vitro would end up in the last 2 weeks of December which is when they don't do egg retrievals. Of course we would end up in the last 2 weeks. The only 2 weeks of the year when we can't do it. Our options were to wait until next cycle (this last cycle was over 60 days) or just take 5 straight weeks of birth control. I opted for the birth control. This should now put us into the first couple of weeks in January. Now if my body will just do what it's supposed to, everything will be great. I get to attend an injection class on the 19th of this month to learn how to give myself shots. Of course they only offer those classes on Thursdays, the only day Ryan can't go with me. I'm going to have to bribe somebody else to go with me, even if it's just for moral support. I've already given my brother a guilt trip as to why he needs to come with me. That's a lot to ask of a single guy. Especially when he would have to take off work to go with me. What a good sport.

We got approved for our loan. The loan company will cover most of the procedure, but not quite all of it unfortunately. This means I'll have to find some extra money somewhere. Plus, the loan won't pay for meds, which are about $1800 at the cheapest so I've got to find that money too. Has anybody figured out how to grow money yet? Just curious.

More blood work

2009-10-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

I made my journey to my usual hospital of choice today, or hospital of my insurance's choice, Timpanogos Regional Hospital. The girl registering me today did not smile once at me. Come on woman! Life is really not that bad. At least you have a job. I wanted to smack her just a little bit. She totally brought me down a notch. She then made me wait in the waiting room. Did you know there is "well waiting" and "sick waiting"? That's right, they totally had the waiting room divided into 2 sections. I chose the "well waiting" area even though I've had a cold. I didn't want to sit in some H1N1 contaminated seat. Not gonna do it.

I liked the lady who drew my blood today. She was very fast and accurate. It's always nice to have somebody draw your blood who knows what they are doing. She attempted to put the sticky tape on my arm (which with my hairy arms is an awful idea), but I quickly told her no sticky stuff. I like the colored stuff that doesn't stick. Whoever invented that was a GENIUS! Hello! I wish they would have had that when I was a kid instead of band-aids. I still hate pulling those off. I used to sit in the tub just to make them less sticky so it wouldn't hurt as bad to pull it off. Yes, kind of wussy.

I broke down today. It was the first time I have cried in a while. I'm not sure why either. I've been on "happy pills" to control my anxiety and have pretty much been emotionally void for the last month. My visiting teachers came over and I asked them to keep us in their thoughts and prayers while we go through this. They said a prayer before they left and it just touched me so deep. The spirit was definitely with us and I'm so grateful for those ladies. What a wonderful feeling it was to have them in my home and know they truly care about me. Thank you ladies! You know who you are!

Thank you to all of you too. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support and love through this ordeal. I receive multiple phone calls a day from loved ones asking how we are and what's next. I've got friends trying to figure out how to plant a tree that grows money. Thank you, you guys! You are the best. I honestly cannot tell you how much I love you all and appreciate you. xoxo -- Ashley

The doctor said.....

2009-10-20T16:14:00.001-07:00

Our chances of conceiving naturally are practically nonexistent. He said where we have been trying for so long and we have tried so many different meds and procedures, that the penetration problem is probably our problem. Finally, an answer. However, our only option now is in vitro, which is quite costly. They put me on Provera which I will take for 10 days, then I start birth control (yes, it sounds weird, but it gives them total control of my ovaries). After birth control comes the shots. Oh boy! The shots! If all goes as planned, we should transfer embryos just before Christmas. Merry Christmas!

I still need to get some blood work completed (always more blood work), and stay positive. Good luck to us! I'm praying everyday that God will bless us with a little one to share our lives with.

The results are in....

2009-10-07T17:08:00.000-07:00

Out of 15 eggs, none (0%) were penetrated. Morphology was all completely normal and everything else was perfect. Could this have been our problem the entire time? Possibly. We still have yet to talk to the doctor on the 19th. Oh how I am excited to talk to him. The thought that we could finally have an answer is exciting. Ryan, on the other hand, is in complete shock. May God bless him through this. I keep telling him that God would not give us this trial if he didn't think we could handle it. Everyday that goes by and I see how our relationship is growing and growing stronger, I know this is true. I'm sending love to that man I love and will always love. He's my everything. Muah, Babycakes!

The Human and the Hamster

2009-09-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Ryan's big day with the hamster egg. I often told people he had to have sex with a hamster, but that was a far stretch from the truth. They just put Ryan's little swimmers with a specially prepared hamster egg to see if the sperm could penetrate the outer layer of the egg as they should do with a normal human egg. I joked around with co-workers that I would be bringing home a half human/half hamster for their kid's show-and-tell. Twisted and wrong, I know, but it's a way to deal with the issue of infertility. We have to find some way to laugh at ourselves, right? Well, we won't know the results until October 19, which is when we go in for our in vitro consultation with Dr. Keye. I'm actually pretty excited to be moving forward. I'm still scared to death as to how we will be able to afford treatment, but I'm hopeful we will finally find our family that we have been searching for, for what feels like forever.

Results of the Ultrasound

2009-09-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today I met with Dr. Hammoud. It was our first time meeting each other. He's a nice enough man. He hurried and did my ultrasound. It worried me that he did it too fast, but I guess he really knows what he's doing. He said I have only 1 small cyst on the left ovary and I'm fine to continue on meds. I guess it's a good thing that's all that was found. It could have been much worse. I left feeling really frustrated for some reason. I had to go down to Timpanogos Hospital and get a blood test, again, to make sure I'm okay to continue taking meds (they have to make sure I'm not pregnant. I think I would know, but whatever). At least they give you the cool wrist band to make you feel important. Ryan called me on the way home and I just cried and cried. I'm so sorry, Ryan. I hate that you have to hear me cry. Mom brought me lunch and brought Chloe over for a little visit before I had to start up work again. Let's just say today has been a little bit exhausting emotionally, but I'll get through it.

A Dreaded Day

2009-09-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have a fear my best friend is coming for a visit today. This means my day 3 ultrasound will be Thursday, the only day Ryan has a full day of classes and can't come with me to the U of U. Why can't we just control the timing of the curse? It always comes at such inconvenient times. Let me just give you some examples of when we've had to do tests: Holidays, Sundays, the days Ryan can't be with me (which are usually few), busiest work days, etc. Really? Come on!

Consult with Dr. Keye

2009-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Our visit went well with Dr. Keye today. He is extremely smart! He feels ready to get us started on the path for IVF. We couldn't be more excited and ready for this journey. Today he talked to us about the past and what we've done. He ordered a few tests. For me: TSH and an ultrasound to be done on day 3 of next cycle. For Ryan: Hamster egg penetration test to see if his swimmers are smart enough to penetrate the egg. I'm sure they are, but we'll see in a few weeks. All in all, it was a pretty eventful day. We spent about 5 hours in SLC and came home very exhausted. We also discovered we absolutely love the U of U hospital. It's very nice! That's where I had my blood work done. We're finally on our way for finding our family!

The Day Before.....

2009-08-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is our first consultation with Dr. Keye. I'm very nervous and excited. Nervous because it's like starting all over again. Excited because hopefully we can take a different route to get some answers. We are very hopeful at this point that Dr. Keye can help us find our family. We pray daily for some answers and guidance in this difficult process.

Our Journey

2009-08-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

This blog is to document our life and what we go through on a daily basis trying to find our family. Enjoy!